The Thirst for First

By: FXGuy Mood: morose Date: 08/21/2007 12:30:12 Music: "Fifteen": Five for Fighting

Cosmic "Cause and effect"...

To some degree one can look into this blog's heading and ask if it's anathema to the SEALs credo for striving- a competitive nature ingrained in the hearts and minds of all men/women to be the highest of achievement.

Though that thought is generally correct on many such levels this has more to do with two kinds of firsts [is there such a thing?  Perhaps I've now found three...]

That which has never been done.

And "First Grade".

It would be fairly accurate to gather anyone reading these words now have moved on well past the First Grade of School.  Some of us may reflect on this seeing as this week marks the return [or beginning] to school for most places & states.

When we think of "firsts", do we think of such fleeting memories as- truly- our first day of school?

I really don't remember my first day of First Grade- I remember Kindergarten well- First grade for me was simply an extension of that which I'd learned already...  The walk to school with my parents taking that morning to physically walk me and my twin [6 blocks] to the school...  How to watch for the crossing guard: How to go to our classroom.

Then- unlike today, there wasn't the paranoia of pedophiles waiting at every bus stop- nor the "total" concern of strangers abducting a parent's children [it was there, surely- but not nearly as prevailent as it is today].  Truly one might admit to a certain "carefree" day in my youth.  A six block walk to school was an adventure- whether in fall leaves, winter snow or the heavy dew packed mornings of late spring/early summer.

More often than not, we forget this impressionable first.  That first day at school.

Until today- when I took my son to "Big Boy School" for his first.

Though he was ready for it, he was nervous- he's just not the "big tough guy" he so wants to be as his father.

But he bucked it up.  He stuck out his chest.  And then quietly slipped his hand into mine- not too ready to leave the safety of his father's side for that first step down the sidewalk and into a larger world.

Call it whimsy; call it dottery; call it "metrosexualization of manly emotion" if that's what'll crank your shaft; but the killing stroke to a father's "heroic self portrait" is when we finally got within the bounds of the school fence and I hear that tiny voice say, "We have to let go now Daddy- we have to be heroes, right?"

If I've made this up myself, I certainly wuld chalk the next few ruminations to someone somewhere far smarter than me for having said them first...

Truly- A man amongst men wants only the best for his children.

In order to get and expect that best, often one must look upon his children as simple little blocks of marble- ready for a master's touch to become statuary to themselves and to society as a whole.  Simple little things that at some point will become beautiful works of art.

The expense needed in order to bring out that artistic vision, is the chipping of the unnecessary to "find the work within the block".  In an artistic sense, chipping away the unwanted is nothing more than teh stroke of hammer against chisle, chisle against marble, marble releasing .

Our children, oddly enough, come into this world relatively perfect in the eyes of their parents- to take even one part away measures deeply in us as parents; often those metaphoric "chips" represent what we've long bitterly become aware of as lost "childhood innocence" or "fascination" or "sense of wonder".

Nothing hurt worse for me than to have my son, standing in line awaiting the next order from his new teacher- turn to me, reflexively holding out his hand and saying "Come on Dad- we have to go to my class."  and saddly shaking my head "no, son- you have to let go of me and do this on your own.  I'll be waiting for you at teh end of the day."

Today was my son's first day of "Big Boy School".

Tomorrow it may be he's off to college- or BUD/S or any number of things God, The Fates or whomever/whatever you choose to believe/not believe in has in store for him.

But for now- today was his first day in a brand new world.

For me- it was his first chip at becoming a man.

God help me- I'll be a wreck by the time my daughter is ready for her first day at "Big Girl School".

I continue to be:

FXG