Awhile back, I wrote an article, “Have You Ever Been A Tadpole?“, asking readers who have been to BUD/S to come forward and share with us their SEAL trainee experiences in Coronado. Particularly, I wanted them to share with all of us, (especially those young men who are planning to give it their best shot at BUD/S) their story on not making it through the SEAL training program. I have received many responses already and have been in contact with those individuals to bring their unique stories to all of us.
The first response, “The Quitter“, was the first story of many different perspectives of a program that few graduate from.
The second response, “The Smurf – A BUD/S Story”, gave an interesting “shorter” perspective.
The third response I selected from an individual who wanted to be a SEAL and ended up in the SWCC training program. Here is his story.
“Let me start by just saying I appreciate you collecting tadpole stories especially from the X-Div guys. Not everyone likes to focus on the quitters, and for good reasons, but there are some good stories and lessons to be learned.
I didn’t want to be a SEAL until my Freshman year of high school, and I didn’t really know what one was until a new friend dropped some books and videos into my lap. Marcinko, James Watson, Orr Kelly. I dove in head first, gobbled all the books as they came out, started on the BUD/S warning order and by graduation, was in DEP and off for boot camp. Now I had some horrible eyesight 20/400 and 20/600… terrible! I was given the SWCC fast track, which I planned to complete, serve 3 years, then post eye surgery, apply for BUD/S. I arrived in Coronado after A School sometime in May 03, found out that the next BCT class 045 was coming up and since SERE was a prerequisite before you could start training, I was pushed back to 046. So all the buddies I made and got to stay in shape with classed up and left me. Boo hoo for me. When 046 came around, the rumours started that the Boat Teams needed more corpsmen, so any HM were getting pushed to 046 and rates not in demand were getting pushed back to 047. I just so happened to be one of the blessed and found myself watching 046 class up without me. Resentful, kinda. Demoralized, yep. What made things harder was watching all these guys I had come to know and like and plenty of them did NOT make the course. As usual, most of these guys were considered sure things. So to see guys I felt were stronger and better than I was quit messed with my head.
Once I was “for sure” scheduled for 047, we got a new rumor that NSW was going to be combining all Indoc into one and having it take place during BUD/S Indoc. For 5 days we would be crammed into a giant class of tadpoles who already had grudges between each other and made to work together. And there was the constant rumor that BUD/S Instructors hated the BCT guys and were going to gang up on us. It was high school all over again.
Now before I classed up, I had spent a monstrous amount of time being able to work out, swim and, whenever possible, listen and learn from the graduates but more importantly, THE INSTRUCTORS. They even started a month long period of swimming/water rescue training for us. They new that the water safety test and swimming was a big reason some guys didn’t make it through BCT and they wanted us to do better. They would have days for us in the school boat shop and let us get introduced to the 11m RHIB. During those days, the Instructors would answer questions and give us no BS answers about the lifestyle and work we would be getting into. And it was not glamorous. I think it started there for me. Hearing about the long boring days on open water, sea sick and doing nothing. The back and knee pain from constant pounding from the boats traveling. It wasn’t all Act of Valor, and it certainly wasn’t kicking in doors and sneaking around, like I deep down really wanted to do. Instead of saying it was worth and seeing it as a still great career, I felt I was settling and began doubting my desire to actual want to do that job. Top it off, I had the mindset from everything I had read and heard about before even joining, that you had to want to be there all the time. You had to love the job, even when it sucked, even more so when it just got stupid and awful. I’ve come to learn that that isn’t exactly the correct frame of mind, nor the real version of how things work in the world.
With all this training and time well spent, I figured I had an advantage when we classed up. The weather was fine, and I make some pretty decent luck for myself. My buddy who got me interested in SEALs was going through BUD/S Indoc with me… he in BUD/S, myself in BCT. Our class 250 was insanely big. For chow, the last boat crew through the line would have to eat their food as it was served to them on the line, then dump it and run outside in order to get our class on to the next evolution on time. Our first swims in the combat training tank involved 3-4 guys per lane and that was even dividing the class up into groups. Combat side stroke with one guy trying to pass you or swim over you and you trying to do the same thing, it was crazy! Goon squads on the beach were hilarious… well, now they seem hilarious. I wasn’t a great runner, so I ‘enjoyed’ many of those. So many guys scrambling up and over berms, doing pushups and 8 counts, one instructor loved making us scramble for footballs, whoever caught it would be the winner. You would get lost under wet and sandy cammies if you dove for a ball and partly trampled.
It was during Indoc that an individual collapsed during a goon squad. He was a boat guy and a former instructor who had gotten approval to attempt BUD/S. It was strange being next to a guy in the sand and he was now suffering as much as everyone else, when not long ago he was in a blue shirt and green shorts having us knock ’em out on the BCT school house grinder. He was in incredible shape and always positive during class. He encouraged everyone around him when it started to suck, which was great to see. He never woke up and a former classmate of mine (who graduate BCT and went on to a great career) was one of the corpsmen who tried to revive him on the beach while they waited for the ambulance to pick him up.
When we left Indoc and began BCT training, I immediately felt that voice coming into the back of my head about not really loving the line of work and I shouldn’t be here. It took 3 days of BCT to finally make me cave to the voice. I was suffering like everyone else; it wasn’t unbearable (the physical training), it was just feeling like I was doing all this hard work and then going to end up in some job I did not want. It was selfish and stupid to think that, but it felt like the truth at the time. The minute I made my way into the Instructors office, the voice was gone and instead I was screaming to myself that I had made the wrong decision. I found myself very quickly in the X-Div barracks and watching the classes run past the windows. Then it was Haze Grey and Underway. I even got to see some of my BCT friends while operating on board my boat a little while later.
So after all that time what did I learn…
1. Never quit from here on out!
As dumb as that may seem, it was the biggest lesson. A dream job is just that, a dream. The reality is all jobs have goods days and bad days and really shitty days. You have to see them all through and just accept it, while doing the best you can possibly do. Good things in my life won’t come easy and really great things will come even harder, so I need to prepare and work hard for all of them. I’ve had to start over twice in my life since quitting training. First was coming back into the civilian world and putting myself through school and working as a commercial diver in the gulf of Mexico. Second was getting married, starting a family and living as a permanent resident in a new country, all while trying to start a new career … again. It’s not easy and I’m nowhere near being ‘finished’. I’ve got a long way to go and the things I have planned for myself and my family are not going to be easy to achieve, but that doesn’t mean I can give up. I learned a lesson and I’m carrying it with me the rest of my life. I am still part of a small group of people that have at least tried to attempt NSW and I’m proud that I did. I’m proud that, unbeknownst to me at the time, I spent time in the surf, in the sand, on the obstacles alongside Michael Monsoor. I got to try something incredible, peak behind the curtain for an instant and be around something truly worthwhile and strong. It’s amazing and humbling.
Sorry for the short story turned long, Chris. Couldn’t stop once I had started. Thank you for your time, sorry this took a while to get to you. I hope it helps. Take care.”
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